Tantrums
The first and only time my son had a tantrum we were in a mall at the food court. They always know the perfect spots to dig their heels in. I got up to leave and for some reason only known by him, he decided that he didn’t want to leave and started screaming.
My dilemma, what did he even want? I didn’t understand why he was screaming. I decided the only thing I could do was walk away. I started walking to the escalator with him screaming at my heels. I wasn’t sure if he would follow me but I had to do something. He followed, still screaming. Up the escalator, we went with me close enough to keep an eye on him and him screaming his little lungs out just behind me. By the time we got to the exit he had calmed down a bit and we made our way home. He never did that again.
The moral of the story is, to stay calm and don’t give in to the hysteria.
Of course, this isn’t the only way to deal with the situation. Your child might be genuinely hungry or tired. Or maybe he or she simply wants to be understood. There is an online article at the Huff Post by Kelsey Borrensen (link below) that gives some great tips. You can sing. Yes, sing. Singing they say, has a calming effect on both you and your child. The article references an Instagram post by a San Diego family therapist Cassidy Freitas, who takes you through the process step by step. She reinforces her son’s strengths while providing him with the comfort he needs. Great combination.
Huff Post Article
There is hope. Tantrums are a normal part of a child’s development and not a reflection on your parenting skills. Most studies state it occurs between ages 2 and 4 and they eventually grow out of it by school age. It is up to us however to keep the situation under control. Getting angry, raising your voice, or retaliating physically will not help your child grow or develop their communication skills. It may even make things worse. Under normal circumstances, the tantrum will last only a few minutes during which you need to stay calm, distract your child, and most importantly ignore the tantrum. Teach them how to express themselves appropriately and as they get older, to label their emotions. We received a great tool during a particularly difficult time in our lives and it has made a big difference in my son’s ability to react to specific situations. It’s called the Zones of Regulation.
The Zones of Regulation help identify exactly how your child feels and attaches a name to that feeling. You will need to be a part of this as well because at first he or she may not understand how they feel and you need to guide them to that point of realization. Once they understand what that feeling is, the next step is regulating behavior. Again here is where the Zones of Regulation below help. It tells your child what he or she needs to do next. This simple chart has made a world of difference in my son’s ability to react appropriately to his feelings.
I recall many years ago seeing a boy of about 12 go off on his father in a parking lot and it reminded me of a comedian who told a joke about another mother seeing something similar. Her son did nothing wrong but she looked at him with what you can only describe as eyes of death. Basically, she was telling him, without saying a word, “don’t you ever do that”.
How do you handle a situation like that where the child is so much older? How do you react? Singing and hugging aren’t going to do the trick. My advice is, first stay calm. Don’t raise your voice because that will escalate the situation. Articulate what you want from him or her and what they need to do. Personally, I would give him or her a goal to aim for to get what they want. I wouldn’t simply give in to the tantrum and placate them. Maybe have your child commit to doing chores (something simple, then build up to more responsibilities). They will have a sense of accomplishment and have a reward for their hard work.
The life lesson is, to work for what you want rather than getting everything handed to you on demand. Remember that boss who barked orders all day? I wonder what he was like as a teenager.
The best solution to this dilemma is to deal with it as early as possible. An article by the Cleveland Clinic suggests if temper tantrums persist after the age of 4 you should contact your health provider. They will ask the right questions to understand why your son or daughter is having tantrums and provide the most appropriate treatment or course of action.
For those of you in Toronto, Mental Health TO is a great free resource to get excellent counseling services. You can access a counseling session through the What’s Up Walk-In Clinic. www.whatsupwalkin.ca. Sessions are on the same day (they are generally 45-60 minutes long), with no fee, no health card, and no appointment. On the day you are ready to have a session, you can contact MHTO at 1-866-585-6486.
There is also Strides Toronto, for brief services. (Brief services will be 3 to 8 sessions with a consistent counselor). You will need to complete a quick screener and then the information can be sent to Strides Toronto Walk-In.
If you live anywhere else in the world and are aware of similar services please reach out and I will be happy to put the link on this site.